I can't stop sleeping these past few days...and then I'll wake up at 3 in the morning and not be able to get back to sleep until right before the alarm. I wake up to a dream, and then my mind is racing with thoughts and worries. Like a beehive stuck in my head that won't calm down. My thoughts range from everything like, are my friends and family happy, to what am I doing here. The nice thing about these 3AM worries, is that the next day, I realize they were all silly thoughts and everything is actually fine. But, I do wonder... what AM I doing here?? I sometimes miss getting up, getting dressed, taking the train to work, turning on my computer with my first cup of coffee for the day. Knowing that what I was doing was something, you know? It's weird being in a new country where you know no one and have no job to sort of "validate" your existence. When I got my first job in New York that I actually liked, I couldn't believe that I was getting paid for it. I was getting PAID to do something that I enjoyed?? And I was an art major, which automatically sets you up for a tough time. The people I worked with were my friends, I would have done anything for them and am sure the feeling was reciprocal . We were a mixed up family of sorts. I laughed more in that office than I ever had before, or have since. Even on that one day, as I walked from the subway to the office... As I stood on the corner of 6th ave and 18th st and looked up to a tall building on fire, only to then watch a plane hit the one next to it, I didn't feel alone as some of us walked home over the Brooklyn Bridge. We supported each other, huddled in our little office where the stress of the designers and deadlines wouldn't reach us if we closed the door and turned the music up. I will admit, somewhere between college and this job, my brain got soft. I went from reading newspapers and supporting worldly causes, to browsing Page 6 and analyzing America's Next Top Model. But reality did touch us. I can recall in detail, the minute when one of my colleagues told us he was called to Iraq. What!?! We were CAD textile designers for the Gap....How could it happen? He had 2 small children...suddenly our worries of meeting the deadline for embroidered frogs in the Spring 05 line seemed so shortsighted compared to this... However overall those were precious times. I lived with my best friend, my brother was around the corner, you could walk down any street and bump into someone you knew. In a city that big, it was pretty incredible. After time, I moved to San Francisco, which was very difficult at first. Many of my new co-workers (also from NY) and I bonded about how much we missed it. We would compare the cities, barely giving SF a chance. I was tough on my new city; it took 2 years to grow on me. And much like I left NY like a first boyfriend who has seen me at my most fragile and watched me grow with confidence, I left the city by the bay- just as we were starting to get along. Now I'm in a new place, where I have no friends and I don't speak the language. I also don't have the stress of a job...I create my own stresses in my head that wake me up at 3AM. I am in no way at all complaining, just letting my thoughts pour out. I have a pretty nice life, I'm learning about new places, seeing new things, and experiencing it all with the bestest ever boy, who puts up with all of my zoe-isms. I love having the time to do whatever I want all day. Tomorrow morning I'll feel great. I sometimes have to exhale and realize that everything IS ok.
